Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Ze Birthday Party.

Last night, I went and exchanged some jeans that don't fit me because I'm gaining weight rapidly :) I also picked up Megan's birthday gift which I hope she loves! Anyways, when I got back home Ham and I were sitting in the living room and I called my mom just to say hi. I was telling her about the birthday gift and about me going to Megan's birthday party if I'm home when she has it and Ham just started glaring at me. He got mad because I'm going to a party. How ridiculous is that? He goes out ALLLL the time and will stay out til 5:30 in the morning but I can't go to my friends birthday party?

It's all starting to wear and tear on me and I'm not sure if I can take much more of the ridiculous fighting that we do. These days, I tend to find myself wondering what it would be like to be back with old boyfriends but I know that's just me not wanting to be "alone" if I break up with him. If we do break up (and I know how ridiculously juvenilistic this sounds) it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I'm closer to him than I've ever been with any of my past boyfriends and I can't imagine letting all that go right now. Although, deep down inside I know it'd be for the better. We don't belong together. Wow, that was weird to actually say that we don't belong together. Even the signs say we don't belong together..a gemini and a way that'd ever work.

I'm also worried because I was writing my sister a letter and there was a lot about him in there and how we don't work together and I left it on the kitchen table this morning. I'm praying to God he wont' pick it up and read it. He's usually not snoopy like that but I'm still praying. I'm going to rush home on my lunch break and get it. I need to mail it to her anyways.

Anyways, my cousin is coming in town to stay with me Saturday night and then he's going to Mtn. Home to my house where all my family will be gathering for Christmas. I can't go til Tuesday night when I get off work. Stupid job. I just want to be normal and go home for Christmas for like a month. Maybe I should've went to college.

What am I going to do with my life?
I feel cluttered.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I left my house this morning at 7:40 to go to work on the icy roads. What is usually a 15 minute drive was a 40 minute drive this morning. The interstate was sheer ice and everyone was in one big traffic jam. I finally made it and realized I, other than two of the partners at the firm, was the only one at work. So now there's a few of us here but it's really quiet and not a whole lot is going on. Maybe I'll get to go home early :)

I got 2 beautiful dresses and a pair of jeans from Francesca's last night.
There was so much stuff in there it almost made me mad that I'm on a budget. I want a lot of stuff from there..
To name a few...


Monday, December 15, 2008

My Weekend.

My weekend consisted mainly of shopping and my mom and being mad at Ham :)

Friday night, Ham and I got a pint of Pinnacle and decided to drink that together with some papaya juice. Well Ham and I are both light weights and surprisingly, I never go that drunk. Ham on the other hand, well he was ironing his pants because he was going to go out and ended up throwing up. Hah, I love that kid. He can't handle his alcohol.

Anyways, Saturday morning my mom called and asked if it'd be a good day/night for her to come down and go shopping. Of course I agreed to that. We went to Bobbi Brown and got out makeup done and bought me all new makeup so I'm lookin' fresh this morning ;). I also found my new favorite store while she was here...Fransesca's. I'm def. going back today after I get off work to get a few dresses and a pair of jeans.

Last night (Sunday), Ham and I went and got some movies, one of them being The Brave One.
Wow, what a great movie. Definitely one of my new favorites. I know my mom reads this blog so mom when you read this you and dad DEF. need to go rent that movie! I stayed up til 2 finishing that movie because it was so good I didn't want to fall asleep. By the end of the movie, Ham and I were both so into it that Ham said, "Okay, we may need to stop it before I get teary-eyed." I don't care for Jodie Foster but she was superb in this movie and Terrance Howard...well I don't even have to say anything..he's a genius.

What I am trying to say is: Good movie. Must see.


Friday, December 12, 2008



The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inner most hearts, ever quite wish to. ~Dodie Smith


Yes, mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me. ~ Alice Walker


To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega


Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown


You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that. ~ Charlotte , "Charlotte's Web"


It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

Office Party.

So, last night was CNJ's annual Christmas Party at Larry's house. I didn't want to go by myself because I'm still fairly new to the firm and I just wanted someone that I knew really well there with me; so Erik came with me. All I had to tell him was there was going to be really nice food and an open bar and he was ready!

We got to the party at around 7:30. The house was gorgeous. They had people taking your coats, getting you drinks, and little things like that. So Erik immediately, of course, goes to the bar and gets a jack and coke for him and brings me a cosmo (sweet boy). We walked around and socialized for a little while and then it was time to eat. The food was absolutely wonderful. It was catered from Boulevard so if you ever need a good caterer...Boulevard is the place to go.

After dinner, Erik got another drink and also got me another cosmo. Then somewhere after my 3rd cosmo it was like somehow, someway Erik had already drank double the jack and cokes to my cosmos. I just remember thinking to myself, "Oh dear God no, please don't let him get wasted." But it was already a done deal. I still don't know how many he had but he was GONE.

He would "whisper" but really be yelling about people at the party. He tried to hit on one of the partner's daughters. He was having to grab on to stuff to keep from wobbling while he walked. It was just altogether bad.

So for all of you single girls out there who are considering Erik as a potential, significant other. Do not bring him to an office party with an open bar.

After I got home and rid of him it felt so nice just to lay on the couch with Ham and talk and laugh and cuddle. It was good to be home.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Old Woman.

so I'm currently drooling over.. :


Someone buy me Christian Dior.

So last night Ham, Erik, and I went to Walmart and decided to get some movies to watch because we are sick of tv. I picked out Mr. Brooks and Ham got Borderland. Mr. Brooks was okay. I was a little disappointed on the acting and the overall setup of the movie. The storyline is brilliant they just needed to put more thought into least in my opinion. Ham's movie Borderland looks RIDICULOUS! It's some gorey, horror movie about these things that attack these teenagers in Mexico. Oh, how I can't wait to sit down and watch that tonight.

Oh, I completely forgot I won't be watching any movies tonight. I will be going to our office party tonight at one of the partner's houses (I work at a law firm). Apparentely his house is HUGE and there will be an open bar. Woohoo! Hah, I actually think I'll just show up say hello to everyone and then leave pretty early. I'd rather be at home on the couch watching tv.

The older I get the more I just like to be at home. If someone asked me right now if I wanted to go downtown with them Friday night to On the Rocks and party all night or stay in and watch a good movie on the couch.... I would say movie/couch. I'm more of a homebody now than I've ever been before.

I'm just an old woman trapped in this young body.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lesson 1: The Giver

"Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege." - John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

I am learning to give only when it is a privilege that I am able to do it for that person. It is not a duty, as I so often feel. I am learning to say, "No, I really can't do that right now."

I am learning that giving is something I should feel good about doing when I am in a financial position that makes me feel good about giving.

I am learning to break free.


The Boys.

So last night I got off work and my boyfriend has a few of his friends over (whom I all adore) and they all decided they were hungry for some Krispy Kreme. I was also hungry to and being the giving person I am, I offered to drive allllll the way across town to get some donuts. While I was getting the donuts I got a call from my boyfriend (Ham). All I could faintly hear was a bunch of laughing and him say go by McDonald's and pick him up some McNuggets. I kept saying, "What?? Hello??!" but there was too much laughter so I just hung up. Going to McDonald's worked out good anyways because he wanted the EXACT thing that I was planning on getting for myself. So I get all the way back from Krispy Kreme and McDonald's and pull up in the carport. I honked my horn so he could come outside and help me carry some stuff in. I handed him the McDonald's and the drinks from McDonald's so I could gather my wallet, the donuts, cigarettes..etc. As soon as I walked in the house I saw Ham eating his McNuggets and I saw his cousin and his other friend devouurrriinnnggg my McNuggets. There was like a fuse that went off inside of me. It was something so little..mcnuggets..but the fact that I had gone all the way across town and back for them and then they were eating my food..I don't know, it just really pissed me off. I'm the type of person who holds ALL of my feelings in (that's a cancer for ya) so I didn't say anything but you could tell in my actions, my facial expressions, and my tone of voice that something was wrong. So, instead of saying anything to them I just got mad at Ham and drove up the road to McDonald's, fuming mad, and got me something to eat. By the time I got back to the house Ham's cousins was apologizing and he said I must've not heard him say that he wanted some too. I then felt like an idiot for getting so mad over something so small.

I think that made me mad because of deeper feelings I hold inside. I have been such a giver to all my loved ones and sometimes I don't feel like I get the credit I deserve or just a simple "thank you". Especially when it comes to my boyfriend. I feel like I do a lot for him and he doesn't realize half the stuff I do for him.

As I am sitting here writing this I realize what a baby I sound like. I shouldn't be whining because I feel like I don't get the credit I deserve from him (I really think it's just attention I want). If I don't like it, then I shouldn't give so much. This here is one of the many lessons I'm learning daily. It's hard to change things like giving, especially if it's what you feel good doing. I've learned I need to take time for myself and that "No." will get me more respect than less friends. I love learning new things about myself.

Oh and also, I have to keep these ugly poinsettias alive at work and it's just not working. They're like $200 a piece and it's my job to keep them alive. Shit.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My favorites.

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My favorite line out of a book ever is the very first page from Here Kitty Kitty...

"One should consume Baileys in a crystal tumbler while watching Spice Hot. At jazz clubs, red wine and queen-sized, white-filtered Nat Shermans. At Hamptons polo games, Pimm's Cup for style and a line off the dash of a police-auctioned Ferrari for effect. Creme de menthe before going down on someone who deserves it. Super Bowl Sunday, Bud cans (shotgunned)and Ritalian (crushed and snorted). A boxing match on a hotel room TV, Marker's Mark Manhanttans (up, three cherries) and petite ham sandwiches on a silver tray. White Castle and Remy Red for a dog fight. While wrapping Christmas presents, Pabst Blue Ribbon and pizza. For suicidal depression on a weekday morning, pink champagne. Before a job interview, Irish coffee and Xanax. Straight tequila on your birthday. And on the night that rolls out of the blue unknown future into the lap of the present, when a lady realizes the game is over, that kind of evening calls for martinis: stock gin, filthy, up, no olives. I found this list scrawled on a series of cocktail napkins, stuffed in a gold clutch. Belinda and I must have written it one night a couple years ago. This was our religion. Actually, it was more important, it was an art. But one day, the things that make you free start to keep you down."

and from one of my favorite movies (instant tears)...

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door."
- Blow

Introduction: The Virgin.

So here I am being born into a new world: blogging. I wanted to start blogging because I am in a spot in my life where I need to let my feelings out. I used to write in a journal but I just can't seem to find the time for that anymore.

So here I am.

I named my blog the beautiful truth because one of the biggest lessons I've learned in just the past year is that, "the truth really will set you free"...
I'm starting to be extremely honest with others and most importantly, myself.

I was sitting here thinking about what I am going to try to gain from this blog.
I just want to gain a sense of peace. I want to feel like once I get done writing on here for the day that whatever feelings I've been holding inside are out and can breath.

I guess mostly I just need a place where I can sit and think and let out what I hold in my head from day to day. Those of you who listen and try to understand...thank you.