again.

I had stopped writing for a long time.. well probably 3 months. I figured no one was even looking at this blog, but an acquaintance wrote me randomly over the holiday weekend and told me they had read ALL my posts and loved my blog. So it gave me more motivation to start writing again. It's been 3 months since I have last wrote and SO much has happened. Kenlyee Brown has gotten so big.. she has this huge bountiful head of hair that I do NOT know what to do with! She is sleeping almost all the way through the night.. which if you're a mother then you know that feeling is wonderful! She is the light of my life and I wouldn't take her back for the world. I'm not going to lie (this is the BEAUTIFUL truth) but there were times right after she was born that I was going through some depression and I woudl cry and cry and cry and have doubts in my decision about keeping her. My body has just been through so much stress and I was extremely tired and I've spoken with a lot of people and they say those feelings are completely normal. Your whole life changes the instant that child comes into the world. There are no more staying up late at nights and no more going out to party on the weekends... that used to bother me but everytime I look into her face and she gives me that beautiful smile I just think about how blessed I am. Those parties and late nights drinking could not compare to motherhood. She is the apple of my eye and I look forward to every day so I can watch her grow.

In other news, my boyfriend got into some legal trouble in April of this year. He has been going to his court dates but putting off getting a lawyer and was just using a public defender. This has allll came back around to bite us in the rear end. He went to court on the 14th of this month in front of a judge and was found guilty on all charges... his sentencing date is Jan. 25th and the charges carry a minimum of 10 years, in which he will have to serve at least 2. Right now, neither of us try to talk or think about it but there are times when the thoughts are unbearable and all I can do is think about the crying I'll be doing in the New Year. Last night I woke up in the middle of hte night thinking about it and instantly rolled over and grabbed him and just wrapped my arms around him because I know these are the last moments I'll be able to do any of that. The thing that hurts him and I the most is the fact that Kenlyee will be 2 1/2 by the time he gets out... I've always said in hard times that "things happen for a reason" and "this too shall pass" but I can't think of ANY reason of why this would be happening and sometimes I want to turn my back on God but then I think I'm going to need him around to get me through these next couple of years. Please, if you are reading this, pray to whomever you pray to and send some strength my way.. I need it.

To those of you who read this I hope you had the most righteous and wonderful Christmas and hope you bring in the New Year's with those who mean the most to you.

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

my precious.

mmm, favorite.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

i'm so ready. i want to be able to wear cute clothes again..and i want to drink a few glasses of wine. i want this belly off of me! so ready..so ready.

i've been soooo grouchy today. i hate that.
i'm getting more sleep tonight.

buuussyyy.

i've been ohhh soo busy already this month. i had my 1st baby shower in mtn. home and it was sooo much fun! all of my friends and my moms friends came out and gave my little Kenlyee wonderful gifts and the food was catered and ABSOLUTELY delicious. ivory and tasha came down for my shower too and of course ivory was the center of attention..she was doin' the stanky leg & cartwheels all over my house. spoiled rotttttten! my crib is here so ham and i have to put that together this evening and get her room completely put together :). i have another baby shower today thrown by the girls at work! and i'm getting cupcakes on kavanaugh ... super pumped about that! i'm so excited for my little gummi bear to get here!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32171926/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

i just don't understand the world sometimes..
but then again, i don't think it's for me to understand.

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off; and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand" ... The Velveteen Rabbit


p.s. i twitter now.. twitter.com/kaseylakay

i had to share this with someone.

The Invitation
It Doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream
of meeting you heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon, I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul: if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me what you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-- The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, author

soooo i finally got an apartment.
it's a two bedroom/two bath off cantrell. i'm SO excited to finally get my own place where i can start getting her baby room ready. mom and dad are coming down sunday to bring me some stuff from the house and then we're going to some garage sales, thrift stores, etc.. to furnish my little home.

i'm so ready to be moved in ...

It's my birthday :)

and you're awfully wiggly today..

and it was an EXTREME dud too..
geez..

Okay, so the last house didn't work out.

Cross your fingers for this one..

DAMN.

It seems nothing is going my way these days..hope sunshine is around the corner.

Please, please, please let this be Kenyle and I's new home..

Listened to Bad Company on the way to work this morning and it reminded me of my dad.
Love him.

Courtney is in LA with Tyler.
Jealous.

I really, really hope we get this house. It's so adorable.
Praying! (Havin' a bbq the second we get in there if we do get in there!)

I am so glad it's Friday.
I have NOTHING to do this weekend except hang out with Kenlye...

I can't wait to see that little girl.

I watched one of the best movies I've seen in a while yesterday. I watched Changeling with Angelina Jolie (who was absolutely breathtaking). It it, in my opinion, a MUST SEE movie if you have no already seen it! Finally, a movie with a purpose..

It was 86 degrees outside when I took my lunch break today. I felt like I was going to melt. I saw this picture today and it looked so calm and cool..as I was sweating. It just looks like a place I need to be at RIGHT now. It looks as though you can't hear any commotion, there are no noises, not a lot of people, and nothing that would remind me of what's been going on in my life lately. It's hard living on my own. I took so much for granted when I lived at home that now I look back on and wish I had worked when I was in highschool and learned how to save money.

My weekend was full of court systems, small southern town police officers, and a bunch of stuff I really didn't even want to mess with. It just goes to show saving money always benefits you in the end. One minute you can have money and the next it can be all gone. It just irks me how much the cost of living is. Okay, I'm going to stop whining..I just needed to let that out. I know, as young as I am, I have a LONG way to go in life (God willing). I have many more lessons to learn and many, many more tough times to ponder through. I just have to hold my head high and hit those tough times/lessons head on.

It's a .....

Girl!

So someone in my neighborhood called Animal Services and said that my dog was abandoned in my back yard?? I REALLY wanna do who did that..because everyone that lives around me knows that's is my dog. Anyways, Animal Services came over and then realized it was a pit bull so now this weekend (so they don't take my baby away from me), I have to take the sweetest, most caring dog in the whole world to the vet to get verification of his rabies vaccination, a microchip put in him, take him to this state office and take a picture with him to put in their database, and register him for a fee of 150 dollars (which is a yearly payment).

I really get pissed off when I think of why pit bulls have such bad reputations and are treated like criminals. I get pissed off when I think about the people who have made their dogs mean and made them fight all to live up to an image or way of life. My dog is a sweetheart and doesn't need to be treated like this..and neither does my bank account.

Screw you dog fighters.

Gone :(

So my sister and my mom just took me to lunch and dropped me back off and now they're gone..back to Mtn. Home. I had such a good time with them and I really felt like all we did was eat! I had to work everyday so I'd get off work and we'd go out to eat.

But I really, really needed them to come down when they did. I've been missing them a lot. Now that they're gone I'm wishing they could've stayed longer. I wish they lived in Little Rock.

Yep, that's what I really want!

Mi Familia..

I'm so excited because today my whole family is going to be in Little Rock. My dad has to fly to a clinic in Louisiana so they're going to spend the night and I'm going to stay with them. Then, my mom and my sister are going to stay another night on Tuesday.

I'm so happy they're coming down.
I've been kinda down lately and seeing my family will bring my spirits up.
The thought of them coming down has already brought up my spirits.

....

I was going to write an entry today because I haven't wrote in a while but my mind is blank..

Uhm, hellooooo.

Weekend.

Wow, talk about stress, shock, realism...

That was a lot to take in and I'm still taking it in.

5? and now I'll be the 6th?

Jesus..

Anne Hathaway.

Can I just say how absolutely stunning Anne Hathaway is in the new issue of the Russian GQ?

"the holy spirit told me.."

So this weekend went well. Everyone came over Saturday night and Ham and I bbq'd for everyone and they LOVED it. They also loved him. My grandma said the holy spirit told her that he was a good guy. I was like "HAH! Wait til you see when we're in an arguement.."

And argue we did..allllll the way to Mtn. Home...when we got there...and alllll .. well no not on the way back b/c he slept the whole way. I swear if we're not fighting we're perfect and if we're not perfect we're fighting. I love him though. I love him a lot.

Home.

Ham and I are going home tonight for the weekend. My dad is back at work up in Alaska and my sister will be in Hot Springs until Saturday evening so it'll just be mom, Ham, and I. I'm really looking forward to it because it'll be relaxing and the three of us can catch up.

There's something about going home these days that is theraputic to my soul. It puts me back in the mental state I belong in. Sometimes I think that I want to move back but there's no way I ever could..at least right now.

Also, this weekend, Ham will be meeting my aunt and uncle (who are like my 2nd parents) and my cousins (who are my other two sisters) and my grandma. We're going to BBQ on Saturday night and just have a relaxing evening so they can all get to know each other. I know Ham is nervous out of his mind but I hope everything goes well. I'll give you the update on Monday.

Home is where my heart is. Truly.

little things are important too..

perezhilton.com

http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-13-aubrey-de-skanks-at-her-skankfest
GROSS.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-13-sucks-for-her-world-recorder-holder-for-longest-nails-shatters-them-in-car-crash
What in the hell? Why...what..I just don't understand people..

http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-13-will-smith-his-husband-jada-reach-out-to-chris-brown-rihanna
Absolutely love them..

http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-13-aubrey-oday-in-straight-to-dvd-release
STILL GROSS.

heartbeat.

I saw you and heard you for the first time.


May strength be with me.

Luis.

I find myself, these days, to become very irritated by the smallest things.

- There is a lawyer in my office, Jason, and his office is very close to my desk. In order for him to get to the other lawyer's offices he has to walk by my desk. Well he walks past my desk like 50 times a day and his walk is very loud and fast. By the 10th time I want to tackle him and scream .. STAY IN YOUR OFFICE AND QUIT WALKING AROUND! But I don't...I smile when he walks by and secretly chew him out in my head.

It's weird how I let stuff like that get to me. (Speaking of Jason .. he JUST walked by for maybe the 8th time today.) I become angry at people or things because of tiny things that I shouldn't let get to me. I have an anger problem I need to work on.

I titled this "Luis." because of a little Mexican man. Everyone who works in this building that I work on parks in the parking garage. When you come into the garage you either swipe your card or get a ticket. In the mornings, Luis the parking deck guy, stands by the ticket machine and hands your ticket to you. So every morning he hands me my ticket, says hello and I say hello or good morning back. I was thinking today after we said our good mornings how each day varies on the tone of my voice and how I say good morning. I know he is the one person that can very well tell what kind of mood I'm in by the way I speak to him or the expression on my face. I bet he knows a lot about people in this building. I envy him because every morning his tone and expression never changes. He's always chipper and happy to be up. I need to grasp more of Luis's personality and posess it within me.

25 Things.

I did this on Facebook because I was bored at work so I figured I'd post it on here.

1. My name is Kasey LaKay Bass. My middle name is also my mom's middle name which is her parents (my grandparents) names put together. Larry & Karran..weird.. at least I think it's weird to put those together and get LaKay but I LOVE my middle name.

2. I am from Mountain Home and have a weird love/hate relationship with it. When I'm gone for too long I can't wait to get back but when I'm there all I want to do is come back to Little Rock.

3. I am currently not taking any classes and sometimes that is scary because I feel as though I'm falling behind but I'm also the type of person who needs to find myself before I go making any decisions about my career. So I'm okay with not being in college right now.

4. My parents are trying to sell our entire place and move somewhere on the Arkansas River. In some ways I'd love for them to be closer to me but in others I can't believe the house that I grow up in will belong to someone else. That is home and no other place will ever be.

5. My life has never been just easy. It's been easier than other yes but I seem to have always had to struggle. Whether it was grades or the boys I like or the stupid decisions I made that always seemed to come back and bite me. Everything that wasn't easy I could've changed but it's almost like I manage better if life is harder. My mom said some people, when born, just have it tougher.

6. I was born in Alaska. I still have family up there and I get to go there more often than most. I would NEVER EVER live there. It's too cold and too depressing sometimes but as for the scenery/landscape it is the most beautiful compared to anywhere I've ever been. I think everyone should go at least once just to experience raw, untouched nature.

7. Sometimes I struggle with my "faith". Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God or if everyone is making a huge fuss over nothing. My mom asked me just recently if I ever pray and I got to thinking about it. When I do pray I don't pray to God. I either pray to "whomever is listening" or to my aunt Gayla who died in 2006 of cancer. I know there's a greater being out there I am just unsure of what or who it is.

8. Sometimes I want a tattoo and sometimes I don't. I know if I ever get one it will have to have a great meaning that I would love to remember forever. But, for example, last night I was watching tv and this girl who was REALLY pretty had a tattoo on her face. It looked gorgeous on her now but what about when she's 80. That's going to be hideous. I don't know..I have so much "back and forth" with them I doubt I'll ever get one.

9. I have 3 best friends. They are all so different and each friendship does something different for me.

10. I am a momma's girl. I talk to my mom all day, everyday. If we're not e-mailing then I'm talking to her on the phone. I've never been a daddy's girl. I used to want to be so bad but I was never able to please him. I've come to the realization that I love my dad and he loves me but to understand each other..that will never happen.

11. I am a very jealous person when I am in a relationship. Sometimes, if I feel close enough to you, I think I push people away with my jealousy. When my boyfriend and I are watching tv and there's a pretty girl and he makes even the slightest comment I get steaming mad..I never actually let him know that but I'm really mad. I wish I wasn't so insecure sometimes.

12. I have a very weird habit that drives me absolutely crazy. Sometimes I'll do it for a very long time..like months and sometimes I won't do it for months. I'm in a stage right now where I'm not doing it. I count syllables. When I hear someone say something I may repeat it in my head and count how many syllables are in that sentence or phrase. For example, let's say someone just said, "Let's go get lunch." I would repeat that in my head and count the syllables. There are 6 syllables. I love it when sentences have 6 or 8 syllables..all even numbers are good but 6 and 8 are the best. If something has an odd number of syllables I'll add a word just to make it even. I don't know what's wrong with me but I've been doing that for years now.

13. I want to dye my hair brown but I can't work up the courage to do it. I've been blonde my whole life and want to try something new.

14. After I graduated highschool in 2007 and moved to Little Rock I partied every night of the week. I went to bars and clubs and partied all the time. Now the thought of going out and socializing just grosses me out. It takes too much time and effort to find the outfit, then drive somewhere, and then pretend to like a bunch of people that are there. I miss some people but for the most part I'd rather sit at home with my dog and my boyfriend, get takeout and watch a movie. I really miss hanging out with people from highschool. I miss going to Buff's, the bonfires, the random nights where everyone just got close and there were no secrets. That's what I really, really miss.

15. There are givers and takers. I am truly a giver. I give, give, give, give, give to the point where I'm mad at myself but to see other people happy is a gift to me.

16. I want nice things someday. I want a nice house of my own and a nice car and nice, expensive clothes but I also think if I had nothing I could be happy. I think I could be happy as long as I'm surrounded by the people that I love. When I have problems, esp. money problems, and I'm with the people I love I don't ever think about money.

17. I have had a weight issue ever since jr. high. Not a big one just 20 lbs that I'm really good at hiding but drives me absolutely crazy. I'm gaining weight now and it really depresses me. I talk about working out but I'm terrible with the follow through. I look at other girls bodies and just wish like crazy that could be me. I will never look the way I want to look.

18. My skin doesn't tan easily. I burn and then tan and to get a really good tan I have to lay out for hours and hours for weeks and weeks. I don't have the patience. I have very fair skin and people always make comments about it. They don't do it to hurt my feelings but deep down I wish I could have a dark, beautiful tan. It's just so much more appealing.

19. My mom and I's dream is to open up a little store in Little Rock. We would travel to Mexico and buy a bunch of beautiful jewelry like amber and topaz..just really unique looking stuff. Then we'd open up a jewelry store/botique somewhere in Little Rock. That's really what I've always wanted to do anyways. I've always wanted my own botique and to open it with my mom would be a dream come true. Just wait..we'll have it someday :)

20. I HATE to cook and clean. I'm so messy that I gross myself out sometimes. I don't know how to cook anything if it doesn't come with instructions and I'd rather go through a drive thru or look at a menu. I feel sorry for the man I marry and hopefully he can accept me for being a terrible housewife. Although, deep down, I wish I enjoyed it and I'm kind of hoping I grow into the whole domesticated thing.

21. Everytime I see a plane I wonder where it's going, who's on there and what type of lives they lead. I'm curious about strangers.

22. I love dogs, esp. big ones and pit bulls. I have the sweetest little pit bull now named Hancock and he's the love of my life. I call him my little boy or my poo poo. When I have a family I want 2 really big dogs and one pit bull. No cats please.

23. I spend a lot of money on NOTHING. I can run through 200 dollars in WalMart like it's nothing and then have to nickel and dime to eat until my next paycheck. I seriously need a money management class or therapist. I can't do that the rest of my life.

24. The older my sister gets the more I look up to her. She's so smart and beautiful. She has different outlooks on life and her walk in life is going to be so much different than mine. I can't wait to see what life brings her because I know it's going to be an interesting story.

25. Mexico, specifically Playa del Carmen, is one of my favorite places in the world.

Nausea.

It's currently 3:20 pm and I'm JUST now starting to feel better.
I was sick all morning.
I threw up 7-8 times between 7 am and 11 am.
It's the start of a terrible time..

I just know it.

My Words of Encouragment for the Day.

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."~ Aldous Huxley

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."~ Alexander Graham Bell

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. "~ Mary Pickford

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."~ Richard Bach

"Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will."~ Dr. Robert Anthony

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."~ Groucho Marx

"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life. "~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "~ Unknown

"Everything is okay" - Gayla

the beast.

My new favorite show & my current tv crush.

The Beast & Travis Fimmel.

He is absolutely the hottest thing on television right now. (to me.)

Hope, Progress, Change.

What a day for our nation. Everyone holds their breath today as the "baton" is handed to Barack Obama. We hold our breath in hope that he can accomplish what he has promised. We long for progress and a change from the past 8 years. Either way it goes, I'm glad I'm not the one in his shoes this morning. I can only imagine the butterflies in his stomach. That overtaking, nauseating feeling that won't go away. A whole nation watching you, judging you, and leaning on you for that change. He has one of the most difficult jobs in the world after today. He has to lead the nation in an effort to get us out of this economic crisis. So not only today do we need to listen and critique his words, we need to whisper a prayer. He is now the working hands of our country and for that to fall on anyone's shoulder deserves a million prayers.

Pocket Full of Sunshine.

Ham, his cousin Jarvis, Jarvis's girlfriend, and I all went to see My Bloody Valentine 3D last night. The movie itself was extremely bloody and nasty (not my kind of movie AT ALL) and there should have been SO much more 3D in the movie. But the parts that were 3D ... wow...I did duck on a few parts. There is a part where the scary miner, serial killer throws his ice pick at this girl who is running from him and it literally flies out of the screen and you feel it looks like it's going to hit you in the face. Everybody ducked! Then another part where this girl tries to shoot the scary miner dude and the bullet literally comes out of the screen in "slo-mo" and it comes to the edge of your face curves around the audience and goes back into the screeen. Another funny part was this old man is hearing noises so he gets his shotgun and goes out on the porch and slowly aims it from one side of the screen to the other...it looks like the barrel is right in your face..and then he laughs. The whole audience was cracking up. I haven't been to the movies in a VERY long time but I really enjoyed it last night.

Ham, Hancock, and I also went up Pinnacle on Saturday. My legs hurt so bad today I can hardly walk around the office. Hancock did so good! He tried his best to go up the mountain as fast as he could and when one of us got too far ahead of him he would whine and bark because he did not want to be last. We've decided to take him out to do more stuff like that more often.

My weekend was relatively good and actually more eventful than most. In fact, this is the first time at work that I've ever been really tired. Too bad this all white office doesn't let out for MLK day.

"I've got a pocketful of sunshine."

So I am thinking of dying my hair from blonde to dark brown?

Should I .. or no?

Sunday.

My Sunday consisted of:

bubble baths.
red toenail polish.
dancing with Hancock to Calvin Harris.
British Vogue. (Where the Wild Things Are)
2 Pinnacle Vodka Shots with Ham.
doublecheeseburgers from McDonald's.
little black dress.

Ham playing hours upon hours with Hancock.

Ham's flat tire in England.

The Devil Wears Prada.

trash & more trash.

a 30 second phone call from my mom.

no more marlboro 27's...marlboro lights.

finally having a satisfying day.

The Best Fries Ever!

You are going to soon find out that my relationship with my boyfriend, Ham, is a daily thing. One day we're perfect and then next day I want to move out. We've been doing really good these past few days.. well since the last time I wrote.

It was freezing yesterday and rained all day causing the power lines to freeze so right after I got home the power went off for about an hour and a half. Ham and I layed on the couch and took an hour nap and the lights woke us up. We were starving but we didn't want the regular McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Sonic, etc.. etc... We wanted something different. So what did bright ole me think of? WingStop :) The have the absolute best fries in the whole world! Sugar, salt, and other unknown spices...with their homemade ranch. Mmm, so good for you!

A Better Year.

Wow, it's been a while since I've wrote. Sometimes I'll come to my page and start thinking about what I'm going to write about and my mind just sits. That's what it has been doing for quite a while. Then finally, today, I felt like writing.

My Christmas was pretty good. All my mom's family was at my house so I spent a lot of time with them (too much time). I ended up coming home early. For the first time, I was homesick for my house in Little Rock. I missed Ham and our dog. I missed just being at the house doing absolutely nothing while Hancock runs around the house like a hoodlum.

My New Year's could've been SO much better. Ham and I went to Harrison's house and I got to see Dani which was so wonderful. I miss her and she's the only friend I have that I can go weeks without talking to and then we can finally see each other and it's like we've been talking all along. It was really good to see her. Ham wanted to go home early so we did, of course. At 12 we said Happy New Year to each other and then he left and went out. I woke up at 6 the next morning to find him still gone. I woke up again at 8 to find him still gone. He didn't get home til 10. He said he had gone to a club in Morrilton and was too drunk to drive home so he stayed at his friend's house. I was so upset. I just don't understand why he wants to spend so much time with his friends. Why doesn't he want to hang out with me on the holidays? I think it's about that time for me to let go of him.

I'm going to start to try and find one bedroom apartments.
It's going to be the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. Leave him, that is. No one understands how hard it will be for me.

I'm hoping in 2009 I can gain some strength I've lost a long the way throughout the years. I'm hoping I can gain better judgement of character. I hope I can gain the confidence I've been missing.

I am okay.
I will be okay on my own.
I hope I will be okay on my own.